


All The Things That Make Up Catherine Parr’s Mind

by ExhaustedSunflower



Series: There is a reason for every little thing we do [5]
Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25336555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExhaustedSunflower/pseuds/ExhaustedSunflower
Summary: Cathy is tired. So, so, god awfully tired. It makes it hard to think. And if she can't think she can't fix her issue of not sleeping. It's a terrible cycle, really.
Series: There is a reason for every little thing we do [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814929
Comments: 69
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this one HURTS. Takes place before Anna’s bit, so nobody knows she was almost beheaded. They do know about the Thomas and Elizabeth thing, but thats literally it.
> 
> Enjoy!

Recurring bad dreams are normal when it comes to dealing with trauma. That's what Cathy’s therapist says, at least. And all of the resources Cathy has found on the internet regarding the topic. It’s further proven by the queens that share a house with her, there’s not one night that everyone in the house gets a full peaceful sleep. It’s even been proven by Cathy to herself, considering she gets the same few dreams consistently whenever she sleeps. But she’s the survivor. She hadn’t died tragically at the hands of her husband, she hadn’t been alone for the rest of her life. She had enough terror from before Henry to nearly send her mental. And with the added nightmares involving her third and fourth marriage she’s not had a night without one since she awoke in this new life. 

Cathy is exhausted. It’s yet another night of trying not to fall asleep as she thinks of anything else. There’s so much in her brain to avoid, it's like a minefield. Don’t think about Edward Burgh, or John Neville, or King Henry Tudor, or Thomas Seymour. Don’t think about the children. The countless children she hadn’t been able to, despite her best effort, save. From themselves, or each other, or Cathy’s misguidance putting them in harm's way. Can’t think about her mother, who raised her to be strong, and would be so disappointed to see her sitting on the floor in the middle of her bedroom crying silently. If she thinks about Snape Castle and the terror that the kidnappers would not only kill her, but her stepchildren as well, she might scream. So it's better not to think about it. She also won’t think about how she married wrong every time, the third threatening to kill her, the fourth ending in her death.  _ Her death _ ,  _ her Mary. _ Her baby, who went missing from history so young. Cathy can’t think about how she’ll never know what happened to her baby. She’ll never be able to kill Thomas for hurting one of her children and then allowing another to likely die so young. 

If she thinks about these things, she’ll think about if it's even fair that she gets to be alive right now. How not only does she not deserve a second chance after all she’s done, but how she shouldn’t be feeling sorry for herself because of the same reasons. And how on earth is it fair that she has to go through life again? It hadn’t been kind to her the first time, and she’s nearly gone insane with the stress and lack of sleep reincarnation has brought with it this time around. 

The reason she’s in the middle of the floor curled up and crying, is because if she does this on her bed Katherine will hear her. Her bed is right on the other side of the wall, and the walls are thin. The girl will definitely come and try to comfort her if she hears this, and Kitty hardly gets to sleep herself without Cathy waking her for this. It’s not like she could bring herself to speak if Kitty did come to check on her. 

Speaking had been difficult when they first came back. In her first life she said what was on her mind at any given time, she was opinionated and demanding. She wrote books and things at a rapid pace and published her thoughts for the world to see. And it nearly got her killed. Not only was her time spent at Snape Castle a product of her family being too vocal about their beliefs, but in her marriage to Henry she’d nearly been beheaded because of it. Even Thomas got upset with her if she spoke out too much. By that point she’d gotten considerably quieter too, to the point when Thomas told her to ‘shut up about Elizabeth or he’d shut her mouth for her’, she'd complied with her husband's wishes until it became too much. She thought he loved her, she was wrong. 

Cathy barely spoke at all when they all reincarnated. The first three queens were all very angry at each other upon waking. Cathy didn’t want to be anywhere near that. It’s none of her business for one, and speaking got her in a lot of trouble in her first life, so speaking to an angry trio of royalty was not ideal. The panic attacks regarding arguing were new though, she hadn’t had those before. And so she’d been quiet, and afraid, and when she retreats to her room even now when the others argue she can’t control her own breathing. The panic attacks are what made her try to use the laptop in the first place. She needed answers, how could she get rid of this? And, if she can find something useful, she could help the other queens too. She went through article after article, and when she found that they didn’t help her, she handed them off to whatever queen might need it. Breathing techniques? Jane wakes up unable to breathe often after her own nightmares. Mindfulness? Anne is working on that, this article about getting over things might help her. Night terrors? Kitty could use that, it hadn’t helped Cathy much, but it might help the teen. How to reach out? Catalina needs help with that. Need help dealing with survivors' guilt? Anna absolutely needs that. In short, if Cathy can’t help herself, she may as well be useful to the others.

Don’t get her wrong, some of it was useful. She is often able to pinpoint when she’s going to freak out, so she knows when to leave the others in order to deal with it. And she’s more capable of helping someone else through a bad night. She just isn't in the right state of mind to properly help herself with that.

So yeah, she didn’t talk much, still doesn’t really. Though she is a little more comfortable now. Cathy looks around her room, she should move her bed. If only so that she doesn’t bother Kitty anymore. She thinks about the different places she could put it, then where she could move everything else to make it work. She thinks about that for the rest of the night, and when she comes down to the kitchen the next morning she pours herself some coffee and says good morning to Catalina, always the first to rise, with a smile. Then she goes about her day as normal; and when everyone is out later that day, Cathy stays home and moves the furniture around in her room.


	2. Chapter 2

Unlike what most people might think, Cathy does not write after waking from a nightmare. No, she stays as far from her notebooks and pens as possible. Her intelligence and knack for writing her thoughts got her in enough trouble in her first life time, she doesn’t need it doing the same in this one, thank you very much. She often wakes up quietly, but crying. As is the case tonight. Her thoughts are too much for her, she would like her mind to shut up for one damned moment.

This dream, she’s had more than a few times. As a matter of fact it is the most common one. It’s a dream where she is tutoring her children, each of them brilliant in their own ways. She sees Edward, only nine years old and gifting her the title of mother. Next to him is Elizabeth, a smile on her face as she pets her dog under the table, as if Catherine can’t see the distraction. Catherine lets it go, and looks to the next child. She’s not so much a child, Mary, Catalina’s girl. Writing about theology and pestering her siblings about their beliefs. - _ I never thought it’d go as far as it did. _ \- Next is Jane Grey, her student. Her ward. The girl had been through so much in her home, there hadn’t been a second thought in taking her in. The poor thing. Then there are two children next to each other, John and Margaret, the Neville children, her beloved step children from her second marriage. They look the age they were when she met them.  _ -I should have done more for them.- _

Just as she sees the last of the row of children, they start to die in front of her, one by one. She can never remember most of the causes, she’s always too caught up with seeing them. And when she realizes what’s happening it's too late. She sees Mary perish in flames, sees her dear Elizabeth and Jane, side by side, losing their heads. In her head she knows this is wrong, it’s not real, but it hurts. She couldn’t save them. All she did was cause more harm than good. Cathy always takes a moment to be relieved that her daughter is never in that dream though, she’s not sure she’d ever sleep again if that were the case.

She does dream of her Mae though, sometimes. Or, more accurately, her death. She dreams of giving birth, and feeling terrible. The illness took her over, she knew she was dying as she pushed her child into the world. How cruel must the world have been? To know that all she ever did was try to be a mother, and then when she was granted with her own child, she died. She sees everything vividly, this is a memory, not quite a dream. It’s painful, she feels it all, and she pushes through it. Because, at the end of this long and painful dream, she gets to see her daughter. She holds her, and takes in every detail of her face. She notes her weight and the color of her hair, and she  _ cries. _ This is a dream, she knows. She knows she’ll never hold her baby like this. She’s not even sure if she did, this could be her imagination, not a legitimate memory from her brain. This is the only dream she won’t allow anyone to wake her from. You can tell if it's this particular dream by her cries, which sound more and more in despair and grief filled as the night goes on. She normally wakes up after she gets to hold her baby, but once Cathy had been woken up before that point and she was inconsolable. Her cries were horrible to listen to, and she couldn’t control them; she’d cried for hours, and none of the queens knew what to do. Nobody wakes her up when she cries in her sleep anymore. 

This is also the only dream she writes after. She writes down every detail of her daughter she can possibly remember. Her baby's face, how her cries sounded, what she felt like, everything. And then she breaks, sobbing into the chest of whoever came to check on her. Crying for her baby, who she can barely remember. Cathy never reads what she wrote in the night, though, too scared to find out if it’s different every time, or if she remembers her Mae correctly.

Those aren’t the only dreams about children Cathy gets. She has frequent dreams of what transpired between Elizabeth and Thomas, an obvious manifestation of her guilt. Or she dreams of Edward and Mary, fighting until Lady Jane Grey gets in the middle to fix it. It never ends well for her. Sometimes instead of Jane it’s Elizabeth, still not ending well. Her guilt at not being able to help them properly, at dying before she could fix what happened between her husband and Elizabeth or even teach her own daughter to survive, truly is killing her slowly. She hasn’t gotten a full night of sleep in well over a month. She actually can’t remember the last time she got to  _ rest.  _ (She’d like to go to sleep for good and never wake up. At least when she was dead she didn’t have to deal with these thoughts and night terrors.) She knows she’s meant to go to the others with these thoughts. They all agreed to help each other. The least Cathy can do is help them, she’d failed three of their children. But she can’t ask them for help, it’d be wrong to do so when all it is is her guilt. (It's not as if she’d gone through anything like they had. She survived.)

Her door opens. It’s Jane, the woman is crying. Cathy is quick to wipe at her eyes and invite her to the bed, moving over.

“I had a nightmare.”

It’s said quietly, and Cathy knows she’s only explaining to get Cathy to tell her why she’s been crying as well. Jane never normally wants to talk about her bad nights, she usually just slips into bed with someone else and falls back asleep.

“Me too.”

Jane grabs at Cathy’s hand under the covers. Then she turns to lay on her side, facing Cathy. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asks.

Cathy does not, she can’t imagine anything worse. She can’t tell Jane she had a dream where she saw her son die right after Jane had a dream likely about dying giving birth to her son. She squeezes her hand back.

“No, do you?”

“No.”

Jane eventually falls back asleep, Cathy stays up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shes still tired and sad.
> 
> Surprise!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have this emotionally scaring story. You’re welcome.

Cathy is an introvert. She recharges her energy by being alone, much to the concern of her godmother, who hates being alone quite a bit. Catalina cannot fathom why Cathy would want to spend so much time holed up in her room. Kind of like she is now, actually.

Cathy honestly would love to spend more time in the living areas of the house with the others. She really would; but being around the other queens and talking to them and paying attention to everything just takes up so much  _ energy. _ Her brain can’t keep up with it all, especially not on barely an hour of sleep every two days. (She’s on the verge of her second death with this, she knows.) She has a bad dream every time she sleeps, though, so she needs to conserve her energy somehow. She enjoys her time alone, when her mind can rest and she can feel like she got even a bit of rest at all.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a knock on her door. 

“Cathy, mija? Can I come in?” 

Cathy invites Catalina in, turning from her book to look at the woman. Catalina places a plate of food next to Cathy on her desk.

“You missed lunch. You’ve been up here all day, mi amor. What have you been doing?”

The answer to that question is really that she’s trying not to let her brain give up completely. She’s just so  _ tired. _

“Just reading, or writing. Just generally enjoying some alone time.”

She doesn’t mean it this way, but her godmother seems to think this is a cue to leave, stating that she’ll leave Cathy to it then.

“You can stay!” Cathy says, before she even registers the words coming out of her mouth. She means that though. She doesn’t want Catalina thinking she doesn’t want her around. She doesn’t even mind the company really. She just doesn’t have the energy to talk.

Catalina is looking at her questioningly, hovering in the space between leaving the room and going back to settle on the bed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I won’t be good company though. I want to finish this book.”

Catalina considers this, then, “Alright, I’ll just go grab a book of my own then.” She leaves the room before Cathy can respond.

When she comes back, she settles in Cathy’s bed, sitting up against the headboard. She has a copy of  _ To Kill A Mockingbird _ , which Cathy recalls Kitty recommending to them. 

They go about the next hour in silence, then Catalina gets to a good stopping point in her book. She looks up to find Cathy not much further in her book than she was when she came into the room. Watching the woman, she sees her read and then reread the same page over again. Clearly her mind isn’t fully on task.

“Are you alright, querida?” Cathy’s head snaps up at the voice. Catalina then notices how tired she looks when she lets her guard down. 

“Hm?” 

“Are you alright?” Catalina is no fool, she knows Cathy had a nightmare last night. Jane told her, but other than that she sees the signs of lack of sleep in the woman’s face.

Cathy watches her godmother's face morph into worry, and she forces her brain to start moving again. She’d been trying her best to get through a paragraph. She couldn’t comprehend one word.

“I am.” She reassures quietly. Always quietly. She’s so quiet in this life. She hates it. She hates being afraid to speak over a whisper. Hates being afraid of voicing her opinions, however small. Hates having to stay in her room to avoid overstimulating her mind, when she thrived on always thinking about at least three topics at once so long ago. (Why doesn’t it feel that long ago?) 

She even hates stifling her emotions. She cares so much about everything around her. Whether it's good or bad she feels so much at all times. She wants to let them out. That brings her back to fear. She hates being afraid of the others, to the point she can barely speak. It’s not even rational, she reminds herself. They would never hurt her. But she’s made that mistake too many times to count. She hates her fear. ( _ She is made of fear, she hates herself. _ )

She honestly could have done with some fear in her last life. It’d have saved her quite a bit of strife.

“Querida, why don’t you come sit with me? I could use the company.”

By sheer force of will, Cathy is able to make her legs stand. She’s not sure when her mental exhaustion turned over into physical exhaustion, but such is life, she supposes. She walks over to the bed and sits by her godmother’s side, book in hand. What she doesn’t expect is for Catalina to put her arm around her and pull her close. She lets out a confused hum, the only sound she can really conjure up in this state anyway.

“Why don’t you rest? You seem very tired, mija.” She tries to pull away at the thought of sleeping, but is ultimately held into Catalinas side by her (admittedly not very strong) grip. 

She mumbles something of a protest. All that can be made out is the words  _ ‘can’t’ _ and  _ ‘shit’. _ Catalina laughs a bit at Cathy’s inability to form words, but it steadily turns into worry as she realizes the woman is still trying to pull away. 

“Cathy? Why can’t you go to sleep? You’re clearly tired.”

All she gets back is a frustrated whine. At that she finally lets go, and Cathy goes back to sitting up. She nearly topples over.

Not wanting to push the topic too hard, she decides to leave it for now.

“Alright, go back to your book then.” She’s not very happy to let it go, but Cathy seems pretty happy to have won. Maybe it's okay. Maybe Catalina is worried over nothing.

Cathy does try to get back to reading her book. She does, but her bed is so soft and comfortable. There’s a reason she was reading at her desk. She’s trying to stay awake. She blinks hard a few times, trying to focus her eyes on the words in front of her. But all she can focus on is how nice and warm Catalina’s arm around her was, and how tired she is. But she can’t let herself sleep. She can’t. At least not in front of Catalina.

If she goes to sleep she will certainly have a nightmare. And having a nightmare with Catalina in the room would cause the woman to be concerned, when there's nothing to be concerned over. It’d be unnecessary. Considering her issues are the least pressing of the bunch, Cathy would rather keep them to herself.

Even if that wasn’t the case though, her problems will trigger someone else in the house if spoken aloud. Her dreams about the Tudor children would upset the first three queens considerably. Her fear of speaking up would cause uncomfortable feelings in Anne. Who was beheaded for not only having a daughter, but also for arguing with the king constantly. Her almost beheading would trigger some horrible memories of actually being beheaded from Anne and Kitty. Mentions of her death would cause Jane more grief than she normally deals with, since they share a cause of death. Talking about being forced to marry so many men to prove the worth of her life or mentioning missing her mother would upset Catalina. And mentioning her guilt at being the survivor would make Anna very uncomfortable.

She was the last. The survivor. It all ties into her story. She can’t upset them, she won’t let herself.

“Jane mentioned you couldn’t sleep last night.”

_ I wouldn’t, more like. God knows falling asleep in the first place was a mistake. _

“Wasn’t tired.” She replies shortly. She hopes that’ll be the end of the interrogation, but it’s not.

“Why not?” 

Cathy finds herself a bit annoyed by the question, but shakes the feeling away immediately with a pang of fear. She then gets annoyed with herself for being afraid.

“Just wasn’t.” She says with a bit more force. Hopefully Catalina will see she doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Cathy,-“

“Why don’t you check on Jane then? She was only in here because she had another nightmare.”

Catalina looks at Cathy, more than a little shocked. Cathy never cuts anyone off. She always waits patiently for the other person to finish; she normally has a look of fear in her eyes when she even accidentally speaks when someone else was about to. Not sure what else to do, she responds.

“I already did, she’s okay. Just a bit shaken up. She said having you near helped all she needed.” She wishes Cathy would look at her. She can’t read the expression on her face from the position she’s in.

“All is well then. Thanks for telling me.” She looks like she’s about to start reading her book again, but Catalina reaches out to grab her arm and get her attention. The woman flinches away so violently that she drops the book she’s holding.

Catalina pulls her hand back faster than the book is able to hit the bed. Cathy takes a moment to pull herself back together. She curls in on herself, takes a few deep breaths, then tensely uncurls herself and looks at Catalina.

Her face is heartbreaking. She looks so,- so tired? So scared? So lost? There’s a lot to unpack in this expression. Her eyes are filled with tears that she’s clearly trying to keep in.

“Oh. Oh, Cathy. Oh, mija.” She has to restrain herself from reaching out and touching the woman again.

“Sorry.” She whispers, breaking eye contact once more.

“Oh, baby, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s fine. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

She slowly but surely reaches out once more, this time sure Cathy can see her do it. Then she pulls her into her side for the second time. All the while she continues the soothing whispers of affirmations to her goddaughter. She feels tears soak her shirt and doesn’t care, just keeps quietly telling her that it’s okay, that everything will be okay.

Eventually her quiet cries slow, and the woman in her arms stops shaking.  _ She’s asleep _ , Catalina realizes. That's one way to get her to sleep then. Catalina just holds her close, and eventually she falls asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Cathy dealing with the repercussions of letting herself fall asleep in front of someone.
> 
> Leave a comment! They are a joy to read.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one,,, this one really hurts.

Catalina wakes up first. Cathy is shifting in her sleep, no, wait. She’s fighting in her sleep? She’s not crying, which Catalina and the others thought was the only tell that she has nightmares. Clearly they were wrong, because Cathy is now violently trying to get away from something unseen. And she is not crying.

“Cathy, wake up.” She tries to shake her awake, but that only proves to further distress the woman.

“Cathy!” She tries again, a bit louder. 

She shoots up with a high pitched sound, not quite a scream, too quiet to be a scream. It’s like she’s trained herself to stay quiet even when distressed. When she looks at Catalina she grabs her arm, gripping tight. Catalina watches her try to get her breathing back in order.

“Querida, are you okay?” A stupid question, she knows the answer is no.

Cathy’s grip gets tighter, it's starting to hurt. Still Catalina doesn’t pull away. She doesn’t even move.

“Everything, it was everything.  _ Oh my God. _ ” 

That doesn’t make a lot of sense, doesn’t help Catalina narrow down what on earth she could have dreamt about that caused such a reaction. Cathy looks absolutely terrified.

“You were only asleep for like forty minutes-“

Cathy pulls her hand away like she’s been burned. It leaves crescent shaped indents where her nail dug in, and there’s already a bruise forming.

“Please don't make me do that again.  _ Please, I’m sorry. Please. I can’t!”  _

What? What does that mean? She doesn’t want to go to sleep? Is she afraid of sleeping? 

-Oh.  _ She’s afraid of sleeping. _

Cathy is still begging her quietly not to let her go back to sleep, and Catalina tries to work through what she just discovered. How often does she have a nightmare if she’s this freaked out? Has she been like this this whole time? What’s the good of that therapist if Cathy has only been getting worse?

She’s brought back to the situation at hand when she hears Cathy say something absolutely heart shattering.

“I wish I would have just stayed  _ dead. _ ” 

It's quiet, Cathy is always quiet. Though the history books say otherwise with such certainty. The Cathy they know is quiet as a mouse. But she says it with such conviction that Catalina can almost hear the opinionated tone she reads about when searching for information on the younger queen.

“What was that?” Catalina matches her low tone, hoping not to scare her.

“I-“ Cathy seems to have come back to herself a bit now, and she clearly realizes the severity of what she just admitted because she immediately tries to take it back. But it’s too late, Catalina has already heard, already seen.

“Cathy, mi amor. Please tell me the truth. When was the last time you slept? Besides just now.”

Cathy considers her options. She could answer truthfully and get a very negative reaction, or she could shut the other woman out and also get a negative reaction.

“Last night.”

“And for how long?”

Cathy hesitates, “Maybe thirty minutes?”

Catalina’s heart breaks for her, no wonder she’s so tired. But she isn’t done with her questions.

“When is the last time you slept for more than an hour?”

The lack of an answer speaks for itself.

Catalina inspects her goddaughter. Searching for what, she does not know. But she doesn’t like what she finds with this new information guiding her. The bags under her eyes were always obscene, but knowing that they come from fear rather than insomnia hurts. She’s thin, which they’d thought was just how she’s built, but now she just looks frail, too tired to even move. And the fear. The fear that laces her every movement. They knew she had some anxieties, but they didn’t know she lived in terror like this.

“We’ll get you some help. Don’t you worry. What can I do?”

Cathy is surprised to hear an offer of help. She expected to get yelled at for lying, not this.

“There’s nothing you can do. I’m just like this. But I can handle it.”

That last sentence raises some more red flags.

“Not alone, you can’t. What happened? You were there when we decided to support each other. What made you think you can’t talk to us? To me?” 

The hurt is Catalina’s voice is enough to make Cathy cry again. She hates to disappoint, hates for people to be upset with her.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, mija. It’s okay. We’ll fix it. It’ll be okay.”

“We can’t fix it though! I've already tried!”

Catalina contemplates the answer for a moment. Then she decides to play along.

“Alright, well maybe you haven’t tried everything. What have you done?”

Then Cathy spills it all. Not the details of her dreams, but how she’s been trying to cope. How she’s done so much research and none of it seems to help her. How the only good thing to come out of it is that she can help the others.

Then Catalina asks if she’s told Ms. Jenesko, her therapist.

“No.”

“Back to short answers, are we?”

Cathy’s hands curl into fists as she tries to level her breathing again.

“Sorry.” She says.

“Don’t be. Why haven’t you told her?”

“All that would do is make her insist I tell you all about it. Which is the opposite of what I want to do.” She forces herself to be honest, if only not to upset her godmother. Catalina inquires as to why she wouldn’t tell the others, and Cathy barely has an answer for that.

“I don’t want to upset anyone.”

“Mija, I think I speak for all when I say it’s more upsetting that you’ve kept your hurt to yourself.”

Cathy looks doubtful.

“Give me one example of something that would upset us more to hear than to not be able to help you with.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Querida, please.”

Cathy looks around the room. It’s that name, she knows it is. She can’t say no when Catalina calls her that.

“I dream about the children.”

She expects her to be uncomfortable immediately, but Catalina just looks at her softly.

“Oh, I suppose that’s to be expected. You did love them very much, didn’t you?” She doesn’t say it like a question though. She says it like Cathy’s love for them was an undeniable fact. Like it didn’t cause so much pain.

She doesn’t understand. And suddenly Cathy wants to prove her point even more.

“I dream about marriage, how awful it was. And, and Henry. All the time. Mostly when he sent out a warrant for my beheading. And being kidnapped with my children, while they threaten my life and hurt us. And losing my baby! And, when Thomas would get angry with me. And losing my husband three times over. And  _ surviving _ . For fucks sake, like I even deserved to. Like I even  _ wanted _ to. But-“

She cuts herself off, realizing she’s gone too far. But it’s already done. Catalina knows about all that now. She’d tried so hard to avoid it. It's all out in the open, all the things she swore she’d keep to herself. She can’t bring herself to look at her godmother, who stayed silent through her mini rant.

“Do you want to be alive right now, Cathy?”

Cathy realizes with a sinking feeling that she doesn’t know the answer to that question. Does she? It’s certainly more difficult than being dead. She did say she wishes she’d stayed dead a bit ago, but she was in a panic; her words weren’t even fully coherent. She doesn’t want to die again, but she does wish she could just stop. Stop everything. And that wasn’t the question, the question was whether she wants to be alive, not if she wants to die.

“I don’t want to die.” 

“But do you want to live?”

There's some more contemplation on Cathy’s end. Eventually she comes to an answer.

“No.” Cathy admits, quietly. This revelation is scary. She hadn’t thought of it that way before. “It’s just, it’s so hard. I’m not strong enough for this. I’m tired, madrina.”

Catalina pulls the woman back into a hug, sitting up this time so as not to send Cathy into another night terror.

“I know you’re tired, querida, I know. But you are so, so strong.”

Cathy shakes her head, but it doesn’t deter Catalina.

“You’re still here. You’ve had such a rough time and you’re still here. That counts for something, yes?”

Cathy doesn’t respond to that, clearly she doesn’t agree. But one thing at a time. 

“You’re going to come to someone if you have a nightmare from now on. I don’t care if it’s every night. It’ll give me peace of mind. You will do as I’m telling you right now.”

She pulls back so she’s looking at Cathy, who seems so dejected. It breaks her heart.

“We want to help you, dear. Please believe me. Do you need a new therapist too?”

Cathy shakes her head, “No, I like Marie. But if I go to someone for every nightmare it’ll be every time I sleep. You all need your sleep too.”

Well, that confirms what Catalina has been thinking. Cathy has one every single time she sleeps. Poor thing. 

She goes to speak again, but there’s someone at the door. 

“Lina? Cath? Can I come in?” Kitty calls from outside the door. Cathy immediately straightens up. Catalina watches her put up her walls, it’s like she’s putting on a completely different persona.

“Yeah.” Cathy calls back.

Kitty wanders in and walks over to them, looking around. 

“You rearranged your room.” She observes.

Cathy shifts a bit, “I like it better this way.”

Kitty hums, thinking about the answer she received.

“Is it because you didn’t want me hearing you at night anymore?”

Catalina’s eyes narrow, does Kitty know about all this? Cathy glances at Catalina and answers, a bit of warning in her tone.

“No, I just like it better this way.” 

These two clearly have had a few conversations Catalina is not privy to. There’s some tension that threatens to expose exactly what this means, Catalina decides to use this to her advantage and pokes at it.

“Hearing her what, mija?”

Kitty looks at Catalina, then back at Cathy, who is trying her best to be discreet with her pleading look. She knows they see each other as sisters, she hopes that Kitty will want to help Cathy by ratting on her instead of keeping whatever this is a secret. She opens her mouth to answer, when Cathy speaks up instead.

“Nothing, she hears nothing. Just me writing in the middle of the night.”

Catalina knows this is not true. She knows for a fact now that Cathy does not sleep well. And Kitty looks rather upset to have been cut off.

“Yeah,” she says. “She stays up working all night and the typing keeps me up.”

This is getting frustrating.

“I’m not sure you two are telling me the truth. Think carefully about your next answers. Cathy, why did you move your bed?” 

The girls look nervous, Catalina is using her ‘ _ mom voice’ _ , or so they call it. She knows it works though, so it is necessary. Cathy hesitates.

“I,” she starts, then stops, thinking a bit more. “So I don’t bother Kitty.” She admits.

“Okay, thank you for being honest with me. Kitty, mija, what exactly do you hear from Cathy’s room in the middle of the night?”

Kitty looks at Cathy as she answers, “Nothing more than you do.” She tries. 

Of course that would be her answer. They are all aware of the crying at night when Cathy has a bad dream. But now with the knowledge that there is so much more to this situation than they thought, Catalina isn’t going to let it go.

“Kitty, what else do you hear from Cathy’s room at night? Anything I don’t know about?”

Kitty sends an apologetic glance Cathy’s way, and Cathy slumps a bit with the realization that they aren’t getting away with this.

“She cries every night. And she never, ever sleeps. Sometimes she screams, but she quiets them quick enough that nobody can hear. And,” she hesitates, “And she talks in her sleep.”

This is honestly more than Catalina thought she’d get from her.

“And what do you hear her say?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like that the overwhelming response I got from last chapter was just ‘Poor Cathy’.
> 
> Yes, poor Cathy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still poor Cathy last time. Here’s something a little nicer, you all deserve it for dealing with my angst fest.

“-And then he signed a warrant for my arrest. I was to be beheaded the next day. I talked him out of it. The guards, however, did not know this. They tried to arrest me anyway. The fright and stress of it made me sick for weeks. But I recovered, and Henry and I stayed married until his death.”

Cathy glances around the living room, then settles her gaze back on her knees, which are pulled up to her chest. The queens look horrified, as she thought they would. How did she let Catalina and Kitty talk her into this?

“So then I married Thomas, which pissed off a lot of people. I thought he loved me, but he was very mean.” This is an understatement, but they don’t need to know that.

“He hurt me and everyone I cared about, then I died giving birth to his child, and he continued to hurt people until his death. My daughter, who I died giving birth to, likely didn’t live past infancy. Nobody knows what happened to her. And, uh, the end?”

There’s silence. Cathy just explained all the horrors of her first life in a summary, (including before Henry) so she supposes that is expected. This was a mistake. She should have just stayed to herself. 

Anne calls Cathy’s name, voice full of pity. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”

Cathy just shrugs in response. She’s not sure what to do now.

“That's not really why we’re having this conversation. I mean that’s mostly it, but- well,” She looks at Kitty for some assistance. Kitty recognizes the ask for help and speaks up for her.

“Cathy isn’t sleeping. Like, point blank, not sleeping. Every time she does she has a night terror and wakes up not even thirty minutes later.”

“Wait, like, you’re not sleeping at all?” Anna sounds like she doesn’t want to hear the answer, so Cathy doesn’t give her one. But Kitty just speaks for her again.

“Not at all, she hasn’t slept properly in who knows how long. She’s been intentionally avoiding sleeping.”

There’s startled gasps from the others. 

“How long have you been doing this?” Jane asks, horrified that they hadn’t realized this. Cathy shrugs again, giving them the answer that they needed.

“There’s something else.” Catalina chimes in, Cathy squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn’t want to see the looks on everyone’s faces when they hear this. She doesn’t even want to hear this.

“She mentioned a few times when we were speaking that she wishes she’d stayed dead. She doesn’t think she deserves to be alive right now. She doesn’t  _ want _ to be alive right now.”

More silence.

And, even more silence.

Then, she’s being hugged. By Jane, who normally hates to be the one doing the comforting. It’s nice and soothing, but Cathy is wary of what she might be thinking of her. What they all must think of her now-

“Cathy, you deserve to live. I’m so happy you’re alive and here with us right now. We’re gonna figure this out. Okay?” Anne is climbing over the back of the couch to sit behind Cathy as she says it, then she shifts them so Cathy is on her lap, and Cathy flushes in embarrassment. 

Catalina, who is on her right, takes one of Cathy’s hands, agreeing with Anne. 

“I love you, querida. We’ll help you, I told you we’d help.” Cathy feels tears in her eyes as she hears this. Kitty on her left takes her other hand, -She can’t hug Jane back anymore, but the woman does not let go.- and affirms that yes, they are going to help.

Anna comes over and sits on the table in front of her. “You help us all the time. The least we can do is help you get to sleep.”

“I want to help you all though.” She says quietly. Then Jane speaks up. 

“We want to help you too, sweetheart. That's what family does.” 

Cathy then lets her emotions out. She cries, and this time, she isn’t afraid of the others. She isn’t afraid of her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s starting to get better!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had planned to post this a little earlier, but my cat had kittens at like 7am on my sisters bed so I’ve been dealing with that. They’re very cute.

Cathy stares out her window in the middle of the night, absentmindedly running her nails up and down her throat. It’ll hurt tomorrow, she can’t bring herself to care though. She’s still in bed. Not crying, though she may as well be, what with all the shaking. She glances at the clock next to her before returning her gaze to the night sky outside of her window. 

_ 1:45 AM _

She can’t find any stars in the London sky, she wishes she could. She wishes she could see the stars again. Properly, the way she could in her first life. They were so beautiful. 

_ The sun wasn’t even up yet. She’d been looking at the stars when she received word of the warrant. _

No- no. She can still see the moon though. That’s good, it’s the same moon that watched her live five hundred years ago. It tells her that this is real, she is alive and she is looking at the moon.

_ She hadn’t been able to make it to Henry on time. This isn’t right. It’s not how it went.  _

Dreams do not care if they tell the story correctly. Dreams take your subconscious and make it eerily realistic. To the point that you second guess your reality. How often does someone say that a vivid memory they have ‘must’ve happened in a dream’? Too often.

_ She shakes as she is led to the scaffold. She wanted to be strong. Like Anne Boleyn, who kept her eyes open and had a speech at the ready. She wanted to be brave. Like Katherine Howard, who was so young. Who had with her dying breath denounced her role as queen and wife of Henry, who had practiced placing her head on the block the whole night before so she would be seen as noble and graceful as she did so in front of a crowd. She was neither as she approached. She fought the guards, and begged for forgiveness. _

Cathy acknowledges that she should go and get someone. She’d technically promised she would. But, also, everyone else is asleep. She wouldn’t want to bother them. 

_ The difference is that the two before her that died this way had not actually done what they were charged with. Catherine had. She did exactly what she was being charged with, so why was her life of any more worth? _

But she had promised.

_ It is not. Her life is worth nothing more than his word. And she is okay with this. _

She doesn’t break promises. 

_ She deserves this. It’s not how it happened. But it’s how it should have happened. _

And maybe she actually really wants a hug. Maybe she needs to hear that the others like her alive and well one more time.

Cathy makes her way out of her room, past the first few doors down the hall, to Anne’s room. Anne is known for being honest in the household. And Cathy and her have a bit of a strained friendship, so Cathy trusts that if Anne is annoyed with her she will say so.

She knocks timidly, part of her hopes that Anne won’t hear and then Cathy can head back to her room. At least then if the others find out she stayed up again she can say she tried to go to someone. But the door opens after a few seconds, and a sleepy looking Anne is standing in the doorway looking awfully concerned.

“Cath?”

“Yeah?”

They stare at each other for a moment, and Cathy just about decides on saying nevermind and turning around. But then Anne moves to the side and invites her in. Cathy moves through the door hesitantly, but she does, and that’s what is important.

“Sorry, my sleep brain couldn’t remember where I even was for a minute. I needed a sec to process what was happening.” Anne says quietly.

“That’s fine. Thanks for letting me in.” Cathy’s voice cracks as she says it, Anne pulls her hands down from her throat. Cathy didn’t even realize she was still doing that.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Cathy shakes her head forcefully. No way in hell will she ever talk about that dream out loud.

“Do you need a hug?” Cathy doesn’t respond to this. She does want a hug, but she doesn’t want to ask for one. It sounds quite silly to say that needing a hug was really the only reason she left her bed. She’s not looking at Anne. She can’t bring herself to make eye contact with the woman, and that’s why she’s surprised when she’s being pulled into a hug.

Right, of course Anne knew she needed a hug. Anne is smart. Anne is a good person.

_ She deserved better than she got. _

The guilty thought squeezes her heart, and in that moment of panicked thought she grabs onto Anne tightly and does not let go.

“How long did you sleep for?” Her grip tightens at the question. The thought of sleeping is terrifying.

“An hour and a half, I think.” The reply is timid and fearful. She’s afraid that it’s the wrong answer somehow. But it’s better to be truthful if she expects honesty from Anne as well.

“ _ Oh Cathy.” _ Anne sounds sorrowful, but as Cathy is pulled into the taller woman’s chest, she cannot see if she looks it.

“Sorry.” She knew she’d just upset them by going to the others for this stuff.

Anne’s grip tightens around her considerably. “You have nothing to be sorry for, darling.”

_ Darling? That’s new. _

She doesn’t have time to question the pet name though, because Anne recommends something horrific.

“You should try and get some more sleep.”

Cathy attempts to pull away immediately, but Anne holds her in place.

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. I won’t, I promise. But if you did want to try again, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please don’t make me.” She squeaks out as she gives up on fighting her way out of the embrace. Anne’s heart breaks at the tone.

“I know. I won’t, darling.”

“You’re being really nice.” Cathy observes.

Anne looks down at her, brows furrowed. “As opposed to…?”

“I just, thank you. You don’t have to do this. I know I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness, especially not yours. So thank you for this.” She mumbles all of this into Annes sweatshirt, unable to look her in the eyes.

Anne pulls Cathy back and holds her at arm's length, looking her in the eyes. “You deserve all the kindness in the world, Cathy. Who told you you don’t?” 

Cathy’s eyes are wide with unshed tears. She looks like she’s ready to bolt, so Anne holds her shoulders. She doesn’t answer.

“Cathy, darling, please tell me who told you that.” She coaxes softly. She’s silently thinking of inventive ways to kill whoever it is.

“There’s nothing that can be done about it now.”

Which one of those bastards in Cathy’s past life told her she doesn’t deserve kindness?

“Tell me anyway.”

“You don’t-“ she hesitates for a moment, “You don’t want to hear.”

“I don’t-? Oh.”

Cathy tries to pull away again, but Anne’s grip stays there.

“I want you to listen to me, and process my words fully. Please just try.” Anne starts.

“Thomas Seymour was an awful, manipulative, abusive, poor excuse for a man. Everyone knows this, even Jane knows this. You know this too, you’re smart, Cathy.” She doesn’t miss the flinch that comes with the comment on the woman’s intelligence, but that is for another time. “You can’t take his word as law. He didn’t know shit, he just hurt everyone around him. You included.”

“He loved me.” Anne’s heart stops at the response.

“Cathy, no. He loved no one but himself. When people love you they don’t say things like that.”

“But,” Cathy seems even more panicked now than she was before. “But he wasn’t always like that. He just got upset with me sometimes. He may have hurt me, but it was understandable. I was irritating. Every husband I’d had said so.” 

“He said he loved Elizabeth.”

That stops Cathy immediately, silencing whatever she was going to say after that.

“He also hurt Elizabeth, do you think he really loved her?”

Cathy slowly shakes her head. “But I’m different. She didn’t deserve to be hurt.”

Again with being hurt, she’s said that a few times now. How often did that asshole physically hurt Cathy?

“And you did?”

“More than anyone else.”

“ _ Oh, Cathy _ .”

There’s that tone of voice again, except now she can see Anne’s face. She looks heartbroken.

“What?”

“You didn’t deserve it. Any of it. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did to make you think that.”

Cathy stares back at Anne, not sure how to respond. She doesn’t understand why Anne would say such things.

“How awful must I have been in order to attract such awful people? I truly was the worst.” She’s trying to make Anne get it now, she needs Anne to know just how horrible she was. Why she deserved so much worse than what she got.

“No, you were trying your best in a world that was not made for you. And you were strong enough to survive it. I’m proud of you.”

“But-“

“No buts. I am proud of you. Whether you want me to be or not.”

Clearly Cathy does not have a say in this, so she doesn’t respond so as not to upset Anne again.

“Come lay down with me? You don’t have to sleep, but I get the feeling you need a cuddle.”

Cathy is hesitant. “Are you sure?”

“I want to help you. I’m glad you came to me. That was very brave.”

She lets herself be led to the bed, and is pulled into Anne’s side immediately. Anne plays with her hair, which makes Cathy very relaxed.

Maybe she  _ can _ sleep here. Maybe if she feels as safe as she does now she won’t wake up in terror again. And if Anne is here, it might be a bit more bearable if she does. She feels herself being lulled to sleep by the rhythms against her scalp. 

“I’m sorry.” Anne knows what this is referring to, and she can’t bring herself to blame Cathy anymore. Not after what she heard tonight.

“I know, darling.”

She hasn’t forgiven Cathy, but she’s well on her way to doing so. Cathy, content with the answer being not angry, and tired as she can possibly be, falls asleep.

She wakes up a few more times in the night. And each time, Anne is there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She’s getting better. Not quite there yet but at least now she has support. 
> 
> Thanks for reading Cathy’s section of this series! Leave a comment and tell me if you liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Cathy
> 
> I’d also like to put this in right here, this is in no way me trying to justify What Parr let Thomas do to Elizabeth. I think that while she was in the wrong for letting it happen, in a society where a pregnant woman is worth as much as her husband, she did the survivors thing of trying to save their reputations. She cared about those kids, that much is clear in history. She basically adopted every child she came across. I’m a firm believer in he fact that she sent Elizabeth away for her own good, but I also think that she was trying to save her own marriage. By that point she was in her third trimester and not feeling great. After she had a child of her own there was no way she’d be married again. Especially after the disapproval of marrying Thomas she got. It’s a lot. She was still wrong, but you have to look at all the facts. We’ll go into this a bit more in a chapter, but I wanted to put in a disclaimer that I’m not trying to justify her actions at all. 
> 
> That was a rant, and I’m a history buff. I could give you a lecture but Ill just stick with a paragraph.


End file.
